Chad & Ballsy in the Morning

Tonight’s Mega Millions jackpot in the USA is a record $540 million. If you win and take the lump sum, after paying taxes you’d be left with about $260 million. That would buy 100 Bugatti Veyron Super Sports, the world’s most expensive car, or four Gulfstream jets, tuition for most of Harvard’s undergraduates, or an NHL team.

 The NFL, NBA and MLB are still out of your price range, but the average NHL team is worth $240 million.

In fact, the Phoenix Coyotes, Atlanta Thrashers, Buffalo Sabres, Tampa Bay Lightning, and St. Louis Blues all sold or were offered for sale for less than $200 million within the last few years.

 If you want to squint you can read the next 2 stories I kept them smaller to censor them..hahaha…(actually I don’t know how to work the font)

Speaking of money…it’s funny what some people will do to make ends meet..In California, a woman is suing McDonald’s for . . . turning her into a prostitute? Seriously. She was working at McDonald’s, but because of the low wages and bad health insurance, she needed more money. So her manager started PIMPING HER OUT. She’s seeking an undisclosed amount.

In another hooker related story: Here are some results from a huge new study on North American men who frequent prostitutes. The most common foreign country where they hire prostitutes is . . . Canada. They say Vancouver is the escort capital of North America…20% of men who’ve been to a prostitute lost their virginity to one. And the average guy in the study had visited prostitutes 54 TIMES.

There’s a giant herpes outbreak . . . among CORAL? Some scientists now believe the coral reefs are dying because the coral keep giving each other herpes. A very similar type of herpes to the kind humans get. And they’ve even implied that maybe, just maybe, a HUMAN passed the initial herpes virus to the coral. AND NOW ITS TIME FOR NEWS OF THE FUTURE:

This weekend: While partying in Hollywood, Kim Kardashian will again get blasted by white powder when she walks in front of Lindsay Lohan as she sneezes.

–Next Week: the SECOND most violent outburst from a commercial flight crew will erupt when someone in coach asks for a whole can of Sprite.

–Two weeks from now: “The Hunger Games” will have made enough money to solve world hunger.

-Six months from now: Megan Fox will give birth to a kid who looks suspiciously like a certain breathtakingly handsome morning radio DJ.
 

–On this day in the year 2040: Jessica Simpson will STILL be trying to get off the baby weight.

Have a great day and lets hope we get to watch the Queen City Kids back in Regina on Saturday good luck tonight Pats…lets hope the refs show up!

You may have heard that GREAT SEX can save troubled relationships . . . but now a new Lifetime reality show will allow you to witness that process firsthand.

 –It’s called “7 Days of Sex” . . . and Lifetime says it challenges couples to, quote, “have sex for one week straight with the hope of saving their marriage.”

 –Each episode will follow two couples, who are placed on a “diet of daily sex.” It’s unclear IF and HOW the relations will be depicted onscreen . . . or if the show is just couples TALKING about their daily romps.

 –“7 Days of Sex” premieres on April 26th.

–It sounds a little intriguing, right? Well, here are some RED FLAGS:

–It’s unclear how OLD these couples will be. (–Call me shallow if you want, but that’s a HUGE deciding factor in whether or not I check out this show.)

–And since this thing is on Lifetime, it’s going to be focused on women. (–That’s good. But it’s also going to be focused on women’s ISSUES, which, for guys, is bad. Very bad.)

Speaking of  bad things…Did you hear about Alicia Silverstone?

She is definitely a hippie chick . . . but she might be taking it too far by feeding her son Bear Blu DIRECTLY FROM HER MOUTH. (–Bear will be a year old in May.)

Alicia has a lifestyle website called The Kind Life . . . which is all about healthy living, protecting the environment and whatnot.

And she recently posted a video on it in which she chews up some food, then transfers it to her son MOUTH-TO-MOUTH. Thankfully, the video has no sound.  Experts say she is risking giving her kids Herpes..go hugh a tree and let him chew his own damn food!

I”ve  got great news for lecherous married men with kids: You’ve got a MUCH better shot at your wife hiring a hot nanny than you think.

–According to a new survey by the website Sittercity, 93% of women say they wouldn’t have a problem hiring a hot nanny or babysitter.

–Only 7% of women say that if a nanny’s too attractive it automatically puts her out of the running.

SOME SAD SPORTS NEWS TO REPORT TODAY… Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball teams don’t have to wear bikinis anymore. Shorts and t-shirts will be allowed in London this summer, so countries with more modest cultural beliefs can compete..

AND TIME NOW FOR SOME OTHER TIDBITS FROM AROUND THE WORLD!

Christie Brinkley cried on yesterday’s “Today” show. Apparently they informed her it was no longer 1989.

Khloe Kardashian is quitting PETA because they support the woman who flour-bombed her sister Kim. And also because they keep mistaking her for an endangered Grizzly.

Kim Kardashian and Jenna Jameson went to Perez Hilton’s birthday party

 As party favors, all guests reportedly got Banana Republic gift cards, prepaid cell phones and airborne Chlamydia.

“Hunger Games” star Jennifer Lawrence says she’ll use her first big paycheck to bathe in a pool full of pasta. Read more about it in this week’s issue of “Kiss My Ass, Ethiopia!”

Alicia Silverstone chews up food and then feeds it to her 11-month-old son. Don’t knock it. If it weren’t for that technique, Gary Busey would starve to death.
-A 29-year-old British woman has collected over $31,000 of “My Little Pony” memorabilia . . .

But how on earth was she able to gather all that memorabilia, when she clearly spends all her free time going on tons of dates?

you’re not going to believe this, but I heard she’s single.

I would imagine we’d have the same problem here in Saskatchewan as they do in North Dakota..

The Hunger Games hits theatres this weekend..Are you going….not me and I’ll tell you why later…but how about this little nugget. The movie is rated PG-13 and you may want to think twice before taking your kids to see it…

 The movie is about an oppressive government that pits children against each other in a battle to the DEATH.

–It’s not clear how graphic the deaths are, but “Time” film critic Mary Pols says, quote, “Nearly two dozen kids aged 12 to 18 die by machete, sword, blows with a brick, a spear to the chest, arrows, having their necks snapped. All damage inflicted by each other.” 

–She adds that the tone of the book is, quote, “somber, disorienting, and permeated with an underlying sense of mourning that doesn’t fade with victory.”

 –Obviously, it’s up to YOU as a parent to decide what you think YOUR kids can handle. And every child is different. But if they’re particularly young and haven’t read the book, it’s probably not a good idea to subject them to this.

I have my own reasons for not going…

I’m recovering from third degree lap burns caused by holding the new iPad.

–It’s a movie about living in poverty under an oppressive government that takes away your rights . . . and I prefer fiction.
-If you want to see what life’s like in a hopeless, amoral world ravaged by death and decay, I’ll visit Winnipeg

An 18-year-old in Minnesota just went from anonymous high school student to KING OF THE PROM. He didn’t have a prom date, so he started tweeting 600 PORN STARS and asking them to attend. Eventually, a 19-year-old mattress actress named MEGAN PIPER said yes. He’s trying to get the $400 for her airfare, but his school just told him he’s banned from bringing her..That is hilarious…can’t blame the kid for trying…

Somebody posted a video of a “Madden 12″ game where they made Tebow the quarterback for the Jets. And he ended his first possession with a short run into the end zone against the Cowboys.

A 78-year-old Colorado man named Jim Driver died on Monday . . . the same day PEYTON MANNING agreed to terms with the Denver Broncos. Why did he die? Because HE WANTED TO.

–The guy’s obituary actually read, quote, “An avid Broncos fan, he abhorred Manning and evidently wanted out before a deal was done.”

(–Yes, that’s obviously creative writing on the part of his family. But it’s AWESOME. And I’m guessing this guy would have had a good laugh over it.

Broncos president John Elway says Tim Tebow took the news of Peyton Manning’s signing with class. But even if Tebow did throw a tantrum, it would just get intercepted!!
 

As I said about a month ago The TIM TEBOW experiment would be over . . . at least in Denver . . . because PEYTON MANNING would end up with the Denver Broncos..He’d be the only guy who could do it..end Tebowmania! 

–Barring any major snags, Manning will be the new quarterback for Denver, and Tebow will be traded.

–Obviously, we don’t know what kind of deal Manning is going to get. But earlier this month, he and Elway were discussing a 5-year contract worth $95 million.

–Manning will become the 5th NFL player to win multiple MVP awards with one team, then join another.

–The others were all quarterbacks as well: Brett Favre, Joe Montana, Kurt Warner and Johnny Unitas.

What this really  proves is that in order to become a championship team, the Broncos are willing to sacrifice a virgin.

 When reached for comment, Tebow praised Jesus, and then rifled a two-yard pass directly into the dirt.

. . . Does anyone else feel like Denver just got a hot new Ferrari? With a cracked block? Cheers…Ballsy…

According to a new study in the journal “Science,” when male fruit flies get rejected by a female and can’t mate, they prefer food that’s laced with ALCOHOL over regular food. So basically, they feel the need to drown their sorrows, just like guys do. I wonder if they go to really tiny strip clubs?

On this day:

30 years ago . . . in 1982 – RANDY RHOADS, the lead guitar player for OZZY OSBOURNE, was killed in a freak accident in Leesburg, Florida, when the plane he was riding in buzzed Ozzy’s tour bus, then crashed into a house.

 (–The pilot and a female passenger also died.

(–Sharon Osbourne TAPPED THAT, ya know!) (–TRUE!)

27 years ago . . . in 1985 - MEL SHARPLES sold his diner on the TV show “Alice”! This marked the end of the 10-year-old superstar sitcom.

13 years ago . . . in 1999 – For some reason, NUDE PHOTOS of KEITH RICHARDS were published on the web by the Internet Entertainment Group, the same company responsible for the PAMELA ANDERSON – TOMMY LEE sex tape.

(–The pictures of Keith Richards showed him SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE . . . while unsuccessfully trying to give himself satisfaction!)

–Did you see? George Clooney was arrested in Washington, D.C. for protesting outside the Sudanese embassy. It’s about time someone arrested Clooney, because he’s never been punished for years and years of stealing my heart.

–The new “Dallas” premieres this summer. For those of you too young to remember, “Dallas” is a show that glorifies greed, backstabbing, rich people and the oil business. Or, as it’s known today, the Republican Party.

–The city of Seattle will build a downtown forest where locals can forage for fruits and vegetables . . .

. . . Seattle residents love the idea since it frees up their backyards to grow more important things like marijuana.

Wait a second, someplace people can forage for fruits and vegetables? Isn’t that a dumpster?

At what point does being “green” become annoying and an inconvenience? For LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S new girlfriend, he’s already reached that point.

–The “National Enquirer” says model Erin Heatherton is fed up with Leo’s environmental rituals . . . like not showering every day or wearing deodorant.

–A source says, quote, “Leo has let his love for the environment take over his whole world, and it’s killing his love life. He only showers a couple of days a week to conserve water, and he considers deodorant to be ‘unnatural.’”

–Leo is also militant about recycling, but he often misses pickup days . . . so there’s always a funky smell in his kitchen. I’m pretty sure Leo can find another supermodel to date…I imagine guys like Leonardo and George Clooney go looking for trim like I got looking for bargains at Value Village…

Hey have a great day…Spring has almost Sprung…Ballsy